Here's my interpretation: The waves are hardships in life. I had a few very big ones, though less frequent at the beginning of my life, then as life progressed, hardships kept coming on a more consistent basis. Now I've come to expect them. And yet, here I am, unweathered and still standing.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
So I'm back writing this post as more of an update about my life and not a dream. I wasn't really consistent on that rant anyway...but I'll probably continue to write some of them in as they had this clever way of helping me see the true meaning of the dream as I wrote it all down.
My friend E, who is a newly certified psychiatrist, was convinced that last one with the cucumbers was about sex (of course, thanks Freud). I could see how she thought that but it wasn't. It was about the fruits of my perseverance in searching for what I wanted to do with my life. At least that's what I think it was. In any case it had a much deeper meaning. Freudian psychology only traps us, I believe. He got hung up on sex and the natural instincts of man and failed to reach for more or acknowledge our brains are much deeper than our impulses. Although, ya, some dreams are probably just about sex.
But I digress...
Southby was a boon and glad I went, despite getting sick. I can't openly explain why at this moment so you'll just have to stay tuned.
In the meantime I leave you with the worst picture ever of me and Shaq...it was taken backstage after his interview with Brian Solis...and unfortunately (for me) looks more like he is leading a blind child.
Here's a MUCH better picture with me and Jeremy Blum, the MIT student responsible for the creation of all things electronic at MakerBot (including the 3D printer).
Sunday, February 10, 2013
In writing down my dreams I suddenly discover what the dream is about...but I don't know that I would have if I had not written this down. I'm looking for something that will bear a certain fruit in my life (cucumber symbol) that is sought after by others but is not in an obvious place. I need to read the signs. Clever brain, very clever.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Sunday, February 03, 2013
I then dropped my stuff off at the hotel and began wandering through the crowd (I think I was trying to get back to the other side of the hotel to see my family again). There were ladies in the kitchen in the cultural hall, like at church, but it was decided it was best if the kitchen were open so everyone could see what they were doing in there. The ladies were busying about cooking things while everyone was in a church meeting and everyone else (the world?) was milling about in the mall outside. Some authorities didn't like that the kitchen was open and felt the ladies would be bothered or exposed so they closed it up with brick and mortar again (that all happened in an instant cuz dreams just happen that way). I remember seeing my cousin Katie milling about with family (headed to the airport?) and then she wandered into the kitchen, too.
I wandered through the food court in search of something but can't remember what..a person? I found some friends who wanted to go into the pool. A man accused a boy I sort of knew to dive deep into the pool. This boy was sometimes a boy and sometimes a young man, depending on what my age was at the time in the dream. He had a shock of blonde hair and somehow was familiar to me, like I knew him but in real life I don't think I do.
Everyone said not to jump in and that he couldn't handle going into the pool it since he'd never been in the pool before. But he decided to get brave and dive in. Other friends of his had to go get him as he sank to the bottom. It turned out he couldn't swim. Rainn Wilson was there too (Dwight from The Office), observing the scene. So his friends went to get him and put him up on the side of the pool so he could get out but it turned out you had to climb out of the pool on a slippery slide. If you had the strength you could do it just fine, but if not it was a struggle.
The boy attempted to climb up the slide but he had no strength left from thrashing around in the water and he slipped an fell into the pool again and began to drown.
Everyone saw this happen and loved the boy so much they all dived in after him, hundreds of people, to find him. I was afraid he wouldn't be found and that there were too many people in the pool now. There were so many in the pool that there wasn't room for any water and as people left you could see some people had been trampled to death, which at the time seemed worth it to find the boy, who was found somehow standing at the edge of the pool. He escaped getting trampled by the crowd looking for him.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Dissecting the meaning of this dream may take some time. So far I think fute, inner child, purpose of life and something to do with family. Not a lot so far.
Monday, January 21, 2013
My dreams seem to be novels or PBS specials at the moment.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
In another part of the dream a friend of mine was falling out of a window. I pulled her back up and saved her life but then her hands were on fire so I blew on them and healed her. The future husband's female family members were amazed and told me I had the "gift". I admitted I was a dormant psychic. They said I should work on my powers and asked if I was Portuguese because of my dark hair. I told them I was not, but they insisted I must be something, especially with my powers. They were some ethnicity themselves even though the future husband was white.
I feel the need to keep writing these dreams down. Every dream I have written down here has actually come true in real life. The dreams are symbolic, they represent certain things, but they come true. I only recognize it after certain events happen and I am then reminded of the dream.
The last dream I wrote here recently came true. I have gone through something I did not want to and could not get out of even though I was pushing on the glass (transparent and obvious way to get out) as hard as I could. I could not break it. This thing has killed what I wanted to work on and the vessel (representing a part of me and my life) have been plunged into the depths of despair. The pillars are representations of people, threats, cyclones that would not be moved. The vessel is my life.
Strangely I think I will be okay, it's just a change. Not sure if I should still be uneasy about things but I feel okay about it now.
I am curious to know how this new dream will manifest itself and what it means. Who is this broken and rebuilt man with wax on his ears that I am to marry? What was with saving my friend and blowing out the fire with powers?
Monday, December 24, 2012
This dream really scared me...so naturally I turned to the internet to interpret what awfulness awaits. Turns out going into deep water and dreams of death can represent the subconscious mind and change in life. Plunging into deep water, a storm and all that signifies spirituality and the deeper recesses of one's mind. Death means one is shedding something from the past and transforming or experiencing the "death" of a part of one's self.
Freud, Jung and various dream interpreters would probably all see this a different way with somewhat similar elements. Either way it gave me some comfort.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
So then I went outside to the outside picnic tables at the place to discuss the experience and other things about my life with the animals boy...turned out he was Jamie's younger brother (in waking life Jamie is an only child). He was 24 and in a band and had a mop of dark, curly hair and olive skin. I told him I was frustrated with some things about Jamie and then the kid said he could fix them and that he would be a better man for me if I would choose him instead. I remember watching Jamie in the distance, talking to other people, completely unaware I was even there. I was frustrated with him and that he didn't see me and here was this good-looking, seemingly magical kid who was there, listening and promising me nice things. Then I woke up.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Other things happening in the dream: I was staying in a hotel. I was with my boyfriend. We were still in SF but it looked foreign...European? We went for dinner but there was a long wait. We walked back up the stairs of the hotel but I had these high heels on that made it hard to walk...then I realized I was pregnant, along with some other girl just like me. We were wearing slutty looking dresses but both pregnant. We both had these heels on that were ridiculous. We were walking on carpet that was too plush. It was green, I think.
What does it all mean...??
Thursday, October 11, 2012
What does this mean?
Maybe nothing...making it is symbolic of something rattling around deep inside my head...or perhaps something else. A connection to the collective, psychic conscious.
So this morning on my way into work I'm listening to WNYC's Radio Lab podcast via the Stitcher app when a story comes on about astronauts on the brink of death, floating away in space who somehow manage to save each other.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Das strange, ya?
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I believe this means I'm concurring my fears.
Another interpretation is that I will have victory over my enemies!
Many of the interpretations I looked up involving my recent snake dreams seemed to be rooted in religion and prophecy. For instance, one interpretation was about John's prophecy of the seed of woman crushing the head of the snake as well as in Genesis, the decree from God that the serpent bites the heel of man and the woman's seed will crush it under their feet; meaning overcoming the powers of evil.
I don't think that had anything to do with my dream, but the dream symbol of a snake seems to be a powerful one, straight from the subconscious mind, meant to get our attention.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I looked up snakes and king cobras because these are not things I regularly dream about. Apparently there is something in my life that I am not paying attention to and really need to and this is my subconscious trying to get my attention. I am pretty sure I know what it is and just simply need to deal with it.
So here I am with this giant, hidden cobra and I'm not sure if it is going to strike.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Sunday, September 02, 2012
Also, in the town I was in that posted about the movie there was this family reunion or wedding or something going on that I was there for...only it wasn't my real family but some Victorian type family. The odd thing is that if you left the dream you wouldn't exist to them anymore. They thought of it as dying. Other people had left and they no longer remembered them. I told one person that I would remember them. I was already starting to wake up and it seemed I was sort of fading as well.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I've been thinking lately about the Book of Revelations and the "end of days". Here's the paradox: In the beginning of the world, when Adam and Eve are kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they realize this is a good thing because if they didn't know the bitter they'd never have known the sweet. The story goes that if they had never known misery and pain they'd never know joy...so after the fall and they are cast out and the world is as it is in this our current state, they discover joy (for the Mormons, see 2 Nephi 2:25). But then in Revelations, chapter 21 God says he'll wipe away all tears and there won't be anymore sorrow or pain...and it suggests we'll all follow God in this new heaven and new earth and there will be no more sin. Happy days, right? Except...um, we just learned that in order to have happiness/joy, you have to know sadness and pain...
My question is this...in this "end of days/Revelations" scenario, will we no longer have joy? How can there be happiness if there is no more pain and suffering? Surely we cannot rid ourselves of pain, of sorrow unless we also rid ourselves of happiness.
Is this Bible verse a lie? Which is it? No more pain, tears...or yes still pain and tears? We know God has emotions, God weeps, so how can there be no more tears? It seems a paradox.
Either we really will not cry or feel any more pain and thus not experience true joy either (total bummer). Or this part of Revelations was a nice idea generated to placate those who now suffer and wish it to end and would like some rest from it all. Which would make the 21st chapter of Revelations a lie.
In Buddhism, life is suffering. There is no end to suffering. Their goal is to reach a point where their soul doesn't reincarnate, a state where you basically don't exist anymore (Nirvana) and thus cannot experience anymore pain and suffering (which is what you get if you exist).
To me, personally, that sounds terrifying. I'd take the pain and suffering, along with the joy over erasing myself out of existence.
This verse in Revelations is basically saying "when Jesus comes again all your suffering will stop and you won't cry and everything will be perfect!"...but then it doesn't seem to get/acknowledge the yin to the yang, that with suffering also comes joy.
Personally, no offense to Buddhist ideals or Revelations 21, but I want to exist. I want to be able to cry and to feel and to live, knowing I have the ability to know the difference.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Sex is a powerful human drive that can have various meanings in dreams. Freud thought everything was about sex. Jung disagreed and thought even sex could be about something else; perhaps our human search for meaning? It could also be a way for your subconscious mind to get your attention. And boy does it!
So here's where you stop reading if you get offended by sex...Let me tell you about my dream last night. I had a dream about a guy friend who kept going on and on and on about how his fiance just loved to give him blow jobs. He was sitting at the edge of his bed, pants down (and neked and erect) and just wouldn't shut up about it. And he kept getting closer and closer to my face like I was going to do something. The whole time I was like "uh, dude, why are you telling me this?" Also, I was like "uh, pull your pants up!" It was disturbing. I didn't know why this was happening. He seemed to be fine, everything normal, but I felt like I was being pushed to do something I did not want to do or hear or participate in that had nothing to do with me.
So what does this mean? It was definitely an attention getter. It could mean I perceived that my friend was being too open with me...though we haven't talked in a while and definitely nothing deep. It could mean I somehow subconsciously feel I'm invading someone else privacy. It could also reflect my current life. I may feel I'm being pushed to do things I don't want to do that I don't think are appropriate. Sometimes in writing this stuff out on here I have these "aha moments" and know I'm getting closer to what my mind is working out with me.
The whole sex symbology in dreams is quite fascinating. It puts people off, it grabs attention, it's highly embarrassing/taboo to discuss. Yet there it is, and everyone in the entire world has had a dream or two like this.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Thursday, August 09, 2012
Saturday, August 04, 2012
Friday, August 03, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I looked up the meaning. There were a variety of interpretations on this one. About half seemed to think this was a dream that meant some sort of emotional trauma I'm still dealing with. That may be true...
It used to be you just walk in and then they see you. Now you have to sign up for Healthy SF. It's San Francisco's great secret that they've provided medical help for everyone all along and it works. You sign up and if you have no money or are under a certain threshold you get it for free. If you need certain medications they will also cover that for free under the program. Since I'm funemployed at the moment I totally qualify (hurray!). All you do is tell them what is going on with you and why you need to see a doctor (for me it was an OBGYN check up). I just signed some papers with emergency contact info, they gave me a green plastic card for drugs (the medical kind), and then ushered me in to see the doc. That was that.
I'll let you draw your own political conclusions about this but as for me, I'm very grateful something like this exists for the people.
This is a picture of the clinic from far away. It's just around the corner from my house.
And these are some hippie kids from a long time ago that were waiting at the free clinic for their universal healthcare.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I was in a newsroom, working as a reporter and it was in a hotel. A large building. The head producer kept barking orders about social media and I kept trying to say what should be happening since that's my wheelhouse but everyone kept chiming in and I was frustrated since none of them knew what they were doing and I actually had a lot of experience in this. Then I was going on a trip to California from Utah and my mom didn't want me using her minivan to drive the whole way cuz she was afraid it would be too many miles on the car. I said not to worry and that I was only driving to my friend's house in Sandy...but really I was planning on driving all the way to California and knew I'd be fine. I was in my family house with my mom, dad, older brother and some other people when this girl comes walking down the street claiming to be a missionary for the LDS Church. I don't see the common name tag identifier or a companion with her so I'm skeptical (though she is dressed in church clothes and a long dress coat and no makeup, hair pulled back in a pony so she looks like a missionary in some ways). I ask her where her companion is and she shrugs it off and says she doesn't need to be with her all the time cuz she knows the spirit of the law and she's cool like that. My brother tests her by grabbing her and planting a kiss on her mouth. I see her face register that maybe she shouldn't be playing "cool like that" and should go actually do the things she signed up to do as a missionary. So then I start readying myself for the journey and packing and somehow the whole social media thing is happening in my house and I'm like I gotta go cuz they are not listening and don't know what they are doing. Then I wake up...
This dream I'm going to chalk up as working things out in my head/brain chemistry. Maybe it is significant and means something and I'll find out later but I really think I'm just working things out. There are a lot of times in my profession where the people in charge don't really get what it is I do and I try to explain how it works and how it has successfully worked for me, list the stats and research but they may not want things to be the way they really are, have their own ideas, don't understand a fully executed plan, etc. and don't listen. It happens. Also I think the dream is a reflection of me working stuff out about church. I read this article in The New Republic last night before bed about this ex-Mormon guy and how he lost his faith but still loves the way the members have helped him when times were tough.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
So I tried out the little experiment last night, allowing myself 4.5 hours of sleep (to wake up at 7:30). Not as much sleep as I'm accustomed to, but it actually worked. I was awake and ready to get up...then I looked at my alarm and determined there is no reason to get up at 7:30 am when I don't even have to move my car till 9...so back to sleep I went. It was really hard to get myself up at 8:30 to get ready and move my car. Much harder than waking up at 7:30. So I let myself sleep in for "10 more minutes". This turned into sleeping in till 9...and luckily when I went to get my car I did not have a ticket (hurray).
The other thing about this experiment is that I spent so much time thinking and calculating it out this morning that I didn't retain my dream. All I remember is that it was some sort of a journey in a three part series...
Sunday, July 08, 2012
How not to talk to someone about a break up...and also why sometimes our dreams lack a plot (a working theory)
I have been wondering lately if the way other people think (their thought waves/energy/aura/soul) can seep into your mind and affect your dreams.
Anyway it was a series of images (instead of the usual story line) and lots of waking in between and thinking and hurting about the break up. Everyone has an opinion for me about the split. People with the loudest opinions seem to be perpetually single, though, so I don't know why they feel so comfortable with all this armchair philosophy when all I really need is a sympathetic ear and a hug...I'm allowed to hurt and cry and grieve and miss someone.
Side note about the rabbit dream and the boy in it who wasn't interested in me btw...that turns out to be a bit of a psychic premonition. I tried to go on a date on Friday morning (we met for coffee) to just keep myself busy. The guy was so checked out and he didn't even know it. He was really not into me. Hard to believe, I know. Also, I think I pushed myself to go on the date to get over my ex bf but really I don't want to do that at all. I just want to cry and I want a hug and I want people to see things the way I see them and want me forever.
And possibly I shouldn't be going on dates right now anyway when I know I'm not actually feeling like it.
Love is a miracle. I'm really sad. And I didn't sleep much.
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Sunday, July 01, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I should mention I found a secret passage way to escape the cult in the building I was in. I couldn't let anyone else know but there was a back vent and I had to wait patiently till they (cult leaders who were hold all of us hostage) weren't looking. Also there were these black people and one of the men died right in front of us. He was shot or had a heart attack. I remember saying it was weird to see someone who was animated not have any life in them anymore.
Mixed in with the nightmares was another dream where I was in the old Crossroads Mall in SLC and it was abandoned (bc there's now a new mall). The mall was open but all the lights were off and the stores were possibly closed but you couldn't tell unless you opened their doors and the lights might be on and they might actually have been open. I went up this really high elevator and into this pitch blackness. Everything was dark in the upper levels.
Very odd dreams.
I've read that nightmares are a way for your subconscious mind to try and get your attention if you are not paying attention to something...not sure what I'm not paying attention to though...
Monday, June 25, 2012
Anyway, somehow in the dream I also left that scenario and I was in "Dallas" the soapy TV show and the show was real life and it was taking place in a Costco. I had stuff to find and buy and using my magical powers I was locating the items in the store (or at least getting their approximate location in the store) through the energy I felt with my powers. Also somehow there were people running into water bc the edge of the ocean was at one part of the store (the store was quite large...it was Costco).
Sunday, June 24, 2012
In the dream I went down to the front room and spoke with the keeper of the estate and with my family and also my bf's mom was there (she is actually a gemologist). I told them all that I had found and I asked his mom if she would help me identify what all the gems were and she said she would. The keeper of the estate affirmed that everything in the house was now mine and that whatever was in the house when I bought it I owned. I went exploring more and found a dresser stuck in between some walls and a fireplace. I thought to pull it out (as it was out of place) but thought to just leave it there as is because the previous owners obviously had put it there for a reason and I didn't want to mess anything up. I reasoned I would come back to it and work on that part of the house later.
The rooms upstairs were grand and big and sunny. They had old wood floors and the sun gleamed in through the windows.
My bf's mom then challenged me to create some art. It was a competition between me and a child that she thought would be the better artist. I surprised her because I turned out to be a really good artist, or at least better than she expected. I remember her admiring my work, the sculptures I made and the way I painted them and gave everything dimension. I explained that my art was just different than the child's and so it stood out more.
I will really have to think about the meaning of all of this. I would say usually children represent your inner child but I know this one was not my inner child but a rep of something else...possibly my bf? Possibly someone I believe she sees better suited than me for her son? (I've had a feeling she may not think I'm good enough bc I'm not Jewish, but that may just be me thinking that and not her true feelings). The gems are a good omen, as is the grand house and all the nice things in it. Treasures. I'll have to think of the dresser stuck in the wall between two rooms. Most likely it is an aspect of myself or a problem I don't want to solve just right now.
If you believe yourself to be an intuitive/have a gift for dream interpretation I welcome your thoughts.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
I was in Utah, driving to Harmons grocery store in the Brickyard area (which is a very nice and pleasant local grocery store there). It had been totally renovated and there was this very long and high up elevator that I had to get on to park the car and go into the store. So I attempted to go up the elevator but had trouble with coordination. IRL I actually think about this, about coordinating getting on and off and timing it with people who may not be paying attention. So I finally get on and it takes me up to the building but the building has a note on it with an email for my contact there. I only remember part of it anemae.?.com. I can't remember the ? part but I do remember the first part, anemae because I had to email or contact this person using it but had to check several times because when I got to email this person I couldn't remember how to spell it and had to go up the elevator to check again. Every time I checked I would see people from this PR firm working on projects. I never made it inside the grocery store.
I think the store symbolizes bounty and the high up elevator represents the esteem I give the circumstances. The driving is my life. The PR people an interview I'm about to go on. The contact email I'm not sure about. I googled it and got nada. Wish I could remember the rest of it.
I had this dream last night with everyone I have ever had bad feelings for or who had ever been mean to me. They were all there and I had to deal with them. They were still mean but I was acting as if it didn't bother me. Then I woke up around 3 a.m. and thought about ghosts, turned on my phone as a sort of protective night light, prayed all sorts of prayers of protection and went back to bed.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Smitty told me he was being awarded an MBA by the leadership in Utah. I remember being pissed because he had only gone to community college and I felt he didn't deserve the award and was somehow tricking them into thinking he'd done more. He then proceeded to take me to his family to introduce me but I reminded him I'd already met his family. He seemed surprised and I had to remind him when I had met them before. There were some tall buildings that we went to and we were on a floor that was high up. So we see his family, particularly his parents, but it wasn't his parents he actually has in real life.
My former boss at the Senate was also in this dream (I think he represents survival skills bc he's a former desert survival guide for teens).
I still don't know all the meanings in all these dreams. I just have to write them so I'll remember them better. I do know, however, that Smitty is a representation of a former friend who actually dated him. She did something quite rude to me in real life and I have been very mad at her. I may feel she doesn't deserve a lot of things and that she is not honest...and somewhere in there is my personal vision and connection to Utah in some apocalyptic vision (a change in my life and not being in Utah anymore).
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
This is why I must write this shit out when I wake up.
I was a little scared to try lucid dreaming. Not sure how restful it is...but I do want to try it.
They say it is hard to maintain it, but then there are reports of people who do it all the time, who are used to it. These people can control their dreams or ask questions to the characters and get answers...or ask a higher conscious the meaning of the dream. Some say they even enter other people's dreams or can share a dream with loved ones across distances and that both people will describe being in the same dream, but from their perspective.
Robert Waggoner, one of the foremost authorities on lucid dreaming, has had over 1000 recorded lucid dreams. He says one time he asked a character if he realized he was a character in his dream and the character replied, "How do you know you are not a character in my dream?".
The world is full of wonders to me. Sometimes I feel like this, too, is just a dream of our own making. We are in a very real dream.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Dudes, you too can harness the power of the pin and have a fine time doing it. Check it:
Friday, April 06, 2012
In some ways I can relate. When I left the church after going through the temple I really did not want to tell my parents. I felt this heavy burden of keeping it from them so I wouldn't upset them or make them sad. How could I confess that I did not want to be a part of the church because of my questions about changes in doctrine, the sanitization and PR changes to church history, obvious historical faux pas (blacks and the priesthood, trading polygamy for statehood, women no longer able to heal the sick or perform laying on of hands) the confusing modern messages to both men and women that don't fit with modern times.
And now here is this video and this amazing openness and the safety in which gay BYU students feel comfortable confessing their same sex attraction. I didn't realize what gay Mormons must go through when all the other kids like the opposite gender and they like the same. I just didn't think about it until now. The part where the kid prays and tells God he's gay and asks if that is okay and then God makes him feel accepted for just the way he is as a gay man is something to think about. In a church that teaches that marriage is only between a man and a woman and where the family unit is sacred and gayness is not acceptable...how do you reconcile that if you both believe the doctrine AND find yourself to be gay AND find that God accepts that part of you? How can the church be true if God is okay with them living the gay lifestyle? How can one have such strong experiences within a church that teaches being gay (acting on being gay) is unacceptable and then have God tell them that they are acceptable? And don't feed me that bullshit about being gay but just not acting on it. That kid in the video got a confirmation from God that his lifestyle is okay, that everything about him is okay.
I have had some very strong experiences in the LDS church. Sacred experiences. These experiences used to make me believe it, all of it. How could I not? But there's so much to question. So many holes. I don't have an answer to any of it. I don't know where I stand or if I'm going to heaven. I just try to be a good person and hope God is okay with me, too.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The one I would highly recommend to anyone (and one which could actually change the world for the better) is The Gentle Art of Blessing.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
To understand this you have to understand the dynamics of my family and his family and the way we were both raised. Me: a pack of very serious, buttoned up Mormon engineers. Him: a hippy Jewish mother. And in his words, "How did you come from that family?" I love them because we are family and because they are honest and try to be good and gave me a stable environment and love me the best they can. But it's true that we are pretty much nothing alike. For like anything. Pretty much. They are very serious people.
So I introduce the boy and hope he doesn't think they are the real me. I love them but I say to him that I don't know how I came to be the me I am out of it either. Please can we get back to making me laugh so hard I cry?
So I have this new respect for J. Poor guy wasn't sure what to do sometimes or what was appropriate (no don't bring wine to dinner and Mormons don't drink coffee, yes you are allowed to hold my hand in front of the mom and dad, sorry my brother was probing you about your intentions, etc.). Possibly the most nerve racking part was right when we got to church (the nice Jewish boy agreed to go to the Mormon church for Christmas services with me my mom and dad) and my dad pulled him aside to explain the sacrament is only for members living the right way. I was mortified. I told him to take it anyway cuz that is just what people do and it's no big deal. So he did and I did and neither one of us burned in hell.
So now that he's met the family I find myself feeling much closer to him in a way I didn't expect. Most people who've met my parents are already up with the Mormon culture and kinda get it. J was just thrown in to an alien situation and weathered it well without knowing much beforehand (and so far has not headed for the the hills). But this presents a whole new issue for me. I find myself getting more attached...to J...which is very scary. I didn't realize I would like him when I first met him. I was just having fun and dating a lot of different people (and even now I must admit I have to remind myself I have a boyfriend and have had one for almost two months now). But he's met the family. I met his mom. She gave me some nice jewelry and was very sweet and I spent this time with him and I could see myself really liking him. And it scares me. A lot. He didn't like the last entry I made. I didn't discuss all that stuff with him before I wrote it so it was an awkward discussion the next morning. So I won't say much more here. Just that I'm starting to rely on him more and wanting to be with him more and feeling more attached...what am I doing in a relationship? But he's pretty amazing and makes me laugh a lot and really does seem to look out for my best interests in a way that is rare. I don't know how I got so lucky or why I'm still so scared. The difference is that I'm less scared of losing my identity and more scared I'll like him too much now.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Romney spotted a man in uniform at a local restaurant in New Hampshire and bellowed out, "Vietnam veteran!". What he didn't know at the time was that the man, 63 year old Bob Garon, was having dinner with his husband. And then of course Garon had to ask the obvious "What's your views on marriage rights for gays?". It doesn't take a genius to know how this conversation was going to go. Sour. I kinda feel bad for the guy (Romney, not Garon - even though Garon and his partner were the ones disturbed at dinner). Romney doesn't have the personality or human understanding to handle this sort of surprise. He, like many of the GOP of his generation, simply stiffened and clearly wanted out of what could only be an awkward situation for him.
I wonder how Gingrich would have handled this. Probably worse (how does that guy seem to yell, scream, say insane things, run up serious debt, f-up his own party so badly, cheat on several women and still charm the pants off of everyone???). I also wonder how Michelle Bachman would have handled the same scenario. I wonder if Romney would have handled this differently if he had it to do over again? If he thought about it later...
But the most surprising thing for me is that his behavior is seen here as just one more shining moment for the GOP, not one where he is singled out as a Mormon. His party just can't seem to fully accept him for his faith, but he walks the same walk, talks the same talk and shells out the same rhetoric as the 99% of them. This could have been a moment for him to soften, to look this man in the eye and see his needs as a human, as a Christian should. And to listen. But it's just not in him, not just as a Mormon or a mainstream Christian, but as a white, male Republican.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Thank you for posting about this issue with BYU. I subscribe to your Facebook updates and wanted to message you privately. I used to work for BYU. I worked at Classical 89 as the morning newscaster there for a year. I left shortly after being told I was dressed too provocatively and a man I worked with had complained it was giving him impure thoughts. I cried. The HR gal told me she didn't even want to bring it up with me but she was being forced to by the "men" above her. The thing is I'm busty. I cover up but I'm busty. I was wearing garment covering clothing. I wore garments at the time. I was told it was my problem. [Must I don a burka?]
When I asked who this person was that had complained and was having "thoughts" I was told they weren't allowed to tell me. Talk about creating a hostile work environment.
So I left. I thought of suing. I thought of going to the papers. But at the time I was a faithful member and didn't want to cause problems for the church's image. I didn't want to stand out and risk being labeled something or further harassed.
The problem is really a systemic belief among church leadership (all men) that women should be told what to do rather than having an understanding that men are in charge of their own behavior. It's appalling and insulting (to both men and women). And places women in a humiliating position where they have to apologies for having a body (that God gave them). I was young and vulnerable (26 at the time) and felt the hostility in the position I was in. I knew if I complained my career would be over, I would bring bad press to an organization I believed in and I was not in a winning position. No woman (or man), curvy or not should be subject to that sort of hostility in the workplace or otherwise.
We live in a place and time where women are afforded a great many more opportunities than they used to have. We can work side by side with men and hold leadership positions, even be CEO and have people take us seriously. Should we say thank you or it's about time? That's another debate...It is time we ask men with weak and wandering minds to take their heads out of the gutter and not discriminate against curvier women for existing. This skinny jeans incident is just another lamentable example of the "Church" asking women to feel bad about themselves.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Sunday, December 04, 2011
The thing is I have never been in this sort of a situation. He's good to me. Really, really good to me. He tells me I am beautiful. He carries stuff for me. He opens the door for me. He goes shopping with me. He even hooks me up with really influential people and takes me to nice places. And he makes good money. My last boyfriend? Well, if you've read this blog or have known me for the last five years you know he was pretty much the boyfriend from hell. And this is what blows my mind. I was in that relationship, obsessed with making that relationship work for four years! Yet I've done nothing but put up objections to this current relationship.
The fear is that I'm perpetuating this horrible stereotype men have about women liking jerks...So do I really just want a controlling jerk? I had to think about that. Really examine myself here. I concluded a couple things:
a) I know I jumped in way too fast and am afraid of getting totally absorbed into a relationship and losing my sense of independence like I did in my last relationship. I've expressed this part to J. He gets that and swears he's not pushing me into anything (although he kinda did a lot of convincing before we were official)
b) (and this is the hard part to admit to J) I'm not crazy about him. I'm not crazy-in-love.
I'm missing what I think should be there - that passionate butterfly connected think about you all the time feeling. I like him but I'm not crazy about him. And shouldn't I be with someone I'm crazy about?
I called my mom about this the other day. I called her up and asked her whether I should break up with him (she has already Facebook stalked J and decided he's got kind eyes and therefore must be wonderful). She tells me the butterfly crazy thing is a trick of nature and doesn't last and I should go for the good, steady bet. She married my dad on that. He is the good, steady bet. A man who would never cheat or lie or steal and they have a great marriage. But as she tells me this I sigh and wonder if she just settled.
what you need to know here, and it's a little shocking when I tell it, she wasn't actually in love with my dad when she married him. She married him because, and she readily tells me this, he could provide for a family and she could trust him. Isn't that lacking? Where's the passion, the thrill in that? And yet there they are with this rock of a marriage. And she tells me she grew to love him by sharing a life with him. She grew to be in love with him.
I don't know if this advice is good. If this is how it is for generations and generations. If it's better to choose the good and wait for the passion or to continue seeking until you hit what may be a mythical perfect fit.
There seems to me to be so much of life set up that way. You only get one life to live and learn from and it's tough to make those calls when you don't really know what you are doing or if anybody else really does either.
Monday, November 21, 2011
So I made an invention. Well, I made up a recipe. Well, actually I borrowed a recipe and made it my own. Well, okay, I pretty much followed the recipe but substituted buffalo instead of chicken and then added in some celery. The result? Delish!
I was at the grocery store. A real one. Finally. I've been poor. Really poor. Poorer than I've ever been before. So I went on a lot of dates. And boys bought me dinner. And also my roommate had a CSA and I joined in on that and sometimes there was community food. And sometimes people took me out to lunch and sometimes I kept my leftovers and ate a lot of the same thing. And somehow, for the past two months, I survived. And now I have a job and I'm less poor and I can actually grocery shop.
So the boyfriend has fed me a significant amount since we've been going out for the past...two weeks?. And I had some friends in town this weekend. And to say thank you to my boyfriend for being so generous I made dinner. I don't normally even cook. Not that I don't like to. I do like it. I just don't always get the opportunity. So this was nice. I made buffalo.
I made Tuscan buffalo stew to be more precise. It had fennel and tomatoes, spinach, white beans, red wine, onions and garlic and other good spices. It was hearty, delicious, lean and healthy and everyone wished there was more. So that is a recipe to keep. Also it was nice to feed people. It was nice to enjoy good friends on a cold, stormy night and eat warm food together and talk and drink the rest of the red wine. It was just very nice.
Also, my boyfriend is taking me on a trip to Napa for Thanksgiving. We are going wine tasting and then heading up to Calistoga after that for the spas. So that is also very nice. I should make him more food more often.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thursday, November 03, 2011
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
It seems strange for me to do this. He was not a good man. He convinced lots of people he was good. He was not. And yet I feel he still deserves vindication, even beyond the grave.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Q: What kind of music was playing in the video?
A: Alien music.
Q: What do you think a dubstep is?
A: I have no idea what a dub is. What's a dub?
A: It sounds like a name. Mr and Mrs Dub
Q: Can you imitate the music?
A: bloop boom boom bllllooooopppp!!!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
This place may be familiar to you if you've ever read or been to McSweeneys. It's this SF writing center made famous by author Dave Eggers (A Heart Breaking Work of Staggering Genius, What is the What, etc). It also, for some reason, houses a pirate store. Where you can buy pirate stuff. Like messages in bottles, etc. Really.
Well, one thing is for certain. Now that I know the hours, more visits shall be made. Eye patches, anyone?