May the wind make you strong

Last night was a review of my life in vivid, natural form. I dreamt I was on a ledge of a mountain with my mother and we were looking out onto the horizon at a beautiful sunrise/sunset (not sure) far in the distance when very strong waves of wind came at us, nearly knocking us all down, hurtling dust and debris in our faces. Then another strong wave came a bit later... soon the waves came more frequently but less strong than the first few. They began to come consistently but by this time I'd learned to expect them and to be able to maneuver/be ready for them when they came. They just kept coming and it was not clear if they'd stop. They just came on such a frequent basis. And I was still standing.

Here's my interpretation: The waves are hardships in life. I had a few very big ones, though less frequent at the beginning of my life, then as life progressed, hardships kept coming on a more consistent basis. Now I've come to expect them. And yet, here I am, unweathered and still standing.

Southby SARS and other awesome adventures...

So I'm back from Southby with what appears to be SARS...not really but I've lost my voice and have a nasty cough. Normally I take good care of myself and never get sick any more. I got sick a lot as a kid and it sucked so much I learned how to nip it as soon as I could by strengthening my immune system, taking the right vitamins and getting good rest at the slightest hint of a cold. But SXSW has this way of taking its toll "it's just a fun couple of days" you tell yourself...then you stay out till 3 or 4 am with all the drunks and free parties till kingdom come. It's a petri dish of 30k drunken nerds on spring break. Free crappy food and beer all week long!

So I'm back writing this post as more of an update about my life and not a dream. I wasn't really consistent on that rant anyway...but I'll probably continue to write some of them in as they had this clever way of helping me see the true meaning of the dream as I wrote it all down.

My friend E, who is a newly certified psychiatrist, was convinced that last one with the cucumbers was about sex (of course, thanks Freud). I could see how she thought that but it wasn't. It was about the fruits of my perseverance in searching for what I wanted to do with my life. At least that's what I think it was. In any case it had a much deeper meaning. Freudian psychology only traps us, I believe. He got hung up on sex and the natural instincts of man and failed to reach for more or acknowledge our brains are much deeper than our impulses. Although, ya, some dreams are probably just about sex.

But I digress...

Southby was a boon and glad I went, despite getting sick. I can't openly explain why at this moment so you'll just have to stay tuned.

In the meantime I leave you with the worst picture ever of me and Shaq...it was taken backstage after his interview with Brian Solis...and unfortunately (for me) looks more like he is leading a blind child.

Here's a MUCH better picture with me and Jeremy Blum, the MIT student responsible for the creation of all things electronic at MakerBot (including the 3D printer).

Sarah Dreams of Cucumbers

I had this dream last night that I was in this small town, but it was a school or a store and I was in the grocery/market place and it was all organic. It was actually a farm. I was looking for the cucumbers. It seemed like they should be some place but I could not find them in the obvious place. I looked and looked and found a sign and under the sign were three cucumbers of different shapes. Someone else was looking for them too and I read them the sign where all the other cucumbers were stored. The sign said they were actually in the tent where the children were having school/singing or making pottery or something right behind where all the produce was. It was not in a place anyone would think to look.

In writing down my dreams I suddenly discover what the dream is about...but I don't know that I would have if I had not written this down. I'm looking for something that will bear a certain fruit in my life (cucumber symbol) that is sought after by others but is not in an obvious place. I need to read the signs. Clever brain, very clever.

Bus then shop

Last night I dreamed I was on a bus route. I was in SLC in the not so nice part of town. I got off and went to two different clothing shops that may have also been restaurants. Some others were there. One person from the bus was giving me directions... Some ppl in the clothing shop owned a dog...that's all I can remember for now.

Swimming in church at the hotel with Rainn Wilson

Just woke up from a dream where I was staying in a hotel with my family for Christmas, but it was a warm place and there was a mall or food court attached. Somehow I was staying with my family and we were waiting for my brother's girlfriend to get there but then we had some kind of argument and I had someone drive me to the other side of the hotel and I had to catch a plane to go home. I should mention previous to this I was with my family in a cabin that seemed not to belong to me and the beds were all made and I remember it didn't fit me in the dream and I was mad at my parents.

I then dropped my stuff off at the hotel and began wandering through the crowd (I think I was trying to get back to the other side of the hotel to see my family again). There were ladies in the kitchen in the cultural hall, like at church, but it was decided it was best if the kitchen were open so everyone could see what they were doing in there. The ladies were busying about cooking things while everyone was in a church meeting and everyone else (the world?) was milling about in the mall outside. Some authorities didn't like that the kitchen was open and felt the ladies would be bothered or exposed so they closed it up with brick and mortar again (that all happened in an instant cuz dreams just happen that way). I remember seeing my cousin Katie milling about with family (headed to the airport?) and then she wandered into the kitchen, too.

I wandered through the food court in search of something but can't remember what..a person? I found some friends who wanted to go into the pool. A man accused a boy I sort of knew to dive deep into the pool. This boy was sometimes a boy and sometimes a young man, depending on what my age was at the time in the dream. He had a shock of blonde hair and somehow was familiar to me, like I knew him but in real life I don't think I do.

Everyone said not to jump in and that he couldn't handle going into the pool it since he'd never been in the pool before. But he decided to get brave and dive in. Other friends of his had to go get him as he sank to the bottom. It turned out he couldn't swim. Rainn Wilson was there too (Dwight from The Office), observing the scene. So his friends went to get him and put him up on the side of the pool so he could get out but it turned out you had to climb out of the pool on a slippery slide. If you had the strength you could do it just fine, but if not it was a struggle.

The boy attempted to climb up the slide but he had no strength left from thrashing around in the water and he slipped an fell into the pool again and began to drown.

Everyone saw this happen and loved the boy so much they all dived in after him, hundreds of people, to find him. I was afraid he wouldn't be found and that there were too many people in the pool now. There were so many in the pool that there wasn't room for any water and as people left you could see some people had been trampled to death, which at the time seemed worth it to find the boy, who was found somehow standing at the edge of the pool. He escaped getting trampled by the crowd looking for him.

I have magical powers

Last night I had a dream I had magical powers. I had to discover it after going to a city on a train and people asked me if I did. I had to hide my powers from an old woman who was searching for the person with the magic powers. My cousin was there. A boy cousin on my dad's side that I haven't seen in maybe 10 years. Other people also had magic powers and my cousin said if they really had strong magic powers (there were levels of how magic you were) you would be able to open the door without touching it. There was a child on the other side with an adult coaching them and they did open the door and my cousin had to admit that they did have very strong powers. Turns out this child was my daughter and they were very strong, the strongest of all the magical powered people. I was good, but this child was the best...then I woke up...

Dissecting the meaning of this dream may take some time. So far I think fute, inner child, purpose of life and something to do with family. Not a lot so far.

The Downton Abbey Dream

It happened. I dreamed I was in this family/observing this Victorian England family where the one daughter with golden hair (who resembled the blonde haired girl from Downton Abbey) discovers she is not really their daughter and was bought by them and adopted to save her from being sold as the bride of an older cousin. She goes in search of her birth parents and origins expecting to confront the old, nasty man who tried to make her his bride, only to discover many maids and factory workers and family members in this big old mansion. One lady tried to throw her off. There was also a long letter written to her about love but she didn't believe it. Then she met a handsome man who was actually the son of the old man and it was he who was going to marry her. She fell instantly in love.

My dreams seem to be novels or PBS specials at the moment.

Wax on his ears and an iron jaw

Last night I dreamed about my future husband. Yes, really. In the dream he had a large family that were a bit rough or poor but very friendly. There was something wrong with him. He had blocks of wax over his ears and upon closer examination he was broken and had been reconstructed with metal in his jaw and parts of his body. I could see right through him and into the reconstructed part. He was very kind and told me he knew we were to marry. He held me close.

In another part of the dream a friend of mine was falling out of a window. I pulled her back up and saved her life but then her hands were on fire so I blew on them and healed her. The future husband's female family members were amazed and told me I had the "gift". I admitted I was a dormant psychic. They said I should work on my powers and asked if I was Portuguese because of my dark hair. I told them I was not, but they insisted I must be something, especially with my powers. They were some ethnicity themselves even though the future husband was white.

I feel the need to keep writing these dreams down. Every dream I have written down here has actually come true in real life. The dreams are symbolic, they represent certain things, but they come true. I only recognize it after certain events happen and I am then reminded of the dream.

The last dream I wrote here recently came true. I have gone through something I did not want to and could not get out of even though I was pushing on the glass (transparent and obvious way to get out) as hard as I could. I could not break it. This thing has killed what I wanted to work on and the vessel (representing a part of me and my life) have been plunged into the depths of despair. The pillars are representations of people, threats, cyclones that would not be moved. The vessel is my life.

Strangely I think I will be okay, it's just a change. Not sure if I should still be uneasy about things but I feel okay about it now.

I am curious to know how this new dream will manifest itself and what it means. Who is this broken and rebuilt man with wax on his ears that I am to marry? What was with saving my friend and blowing out the fire with powers?

A dream over troubled waters

The other night I had a dream I was in a ship, an encapsulated ship and it was full of children and a teacher. I was in the back of the ship. I looked out the window (it was like an airplane window) to see troubled waters. Foaming, stormy and suddenly these huge cones of water came up like cyclones of a hurricane. I could tell we were in danger. The teacher yelled that there was no escaping, this was happening and we were all going to die. I tried desperately to break the glass and escape before we went under and into the deep. I thought if I could just break the glass I'd be able to get out and survive. Children were crying while their parents held them. They were frightened. Death was inevitable. I could not break the glass no matter how hard I hit it. Then I woke up.

This dream really scared me...so naturally I turned to the internet to interpret what awfulness awaits. Turns out going into deep water and dreams of death can represent the subconscious mind and change in life. Plunging into deep water, a storm and all that signifies spirituality and the deeper recesses of one's mind. Death means one is shedding something from the past and transforming or experiencing the "death" of a part of one's self.

Freud, Jung and various dream interpreters would probably all see this a different way with somewhat similar elements. Either way it gave me some comfort.

Dances with horses

Last night I had a dream I went to this retreat with Jamie. It was cabin in the mountain type. There was a banquet hall with others and we chatted with the hosts a bit...and then I discovered a vast view of the outside and animals all over, foxes running...Jamie found a secret room and I followed him over. He was looking at all the animals inside and got into the details and started talking to someone... and there was this guy who came into the room. He had some gift with the animals, like he knew all about them. He cared for them somehow. Also, some of the animals were in cages and some were outside. I was letting a dog in a cage lick my toes and someone kept telling me not to get too close because the dog might be ferocious and bite it. I couldn't believe it about a dog who seemed nice but they kept saying it...then someone said "look at the horses, they're dancing". And the horses WERE dancing! In a circle, with their hind legs on the ground and their front legs touching each other. They were standing upright, like humans, and dancing in a circle in rythmic time, in choreographed motion. It was fascinating to see such a strange thing. So I approached them to ask them questions. The animals, some of them, could talk in this dream. I asked if they enjoyed dancing and they said yes, very much. They said it was like being in the Russian ballet. Then I noticed their fancy clothing they were suddenly wearing. It was very beautiful. I took one aside to ask some question. I can't remember what. I think I asked what it was like to dance..but the horse just stood there, silent. I asked again...silent...and then I noticed it had shed a tear. Someone said it was touched that I cared so much to even ask that it had no words.

So then I went outside to the outside picnic tables at the place to discuss the experience and other things about my life with the animals boy...turned out he was Jamie's younger brother (in waking life Jamie is an only child). He was 24 and in a band and had a mop of dark, curly hair and olive skin. I told him I was frustrated with some things about Jamie and then the kid said he could fix them and that he would be a better man for me if I would choose him instead. I remember watching Jamie in the distance, talking to other people, completely unaware I was even there. I was frustrated with him and that he didn't see me and here was this good-looking, seemingly magical kid who was there, listening and promising me nice things. Then I woke up.

Another pregnant dream...

And no I am not with child. I keep having these. According to the internets I'm apparently craving creativity...or about to embark on a creative project (totally true).

Other things happening in the dream: I was staying in a hotel. I was with my boyfriend. We were still in SF but it looked foreign...European? We went for dinner but there was a long wait. We walked back up the stairs of the hotel but I had these high heels on that made it hard to walk...then I realized I was pregnant, along with some other girl just like me. We were wearing slutty looking dresses but both pregnant. We both had these heels on that were ridiculous. We were walking on carpet that was too plush. It was green, I think.

What does it all mean...??

Deja Vu All Over Again...

Last night I had a dream about three astronauts. One of them had somehow unconnected from the ship and was floating away in space. Very scary and a sure death awaited him. But just then his loyal friend, one of the other astronauts, dared to save him. He hurled himself at him in a death-defying stunt that boomeranged the two back to the ship. Then the one who saved the other one somehow became disconnected and both the other astronauts, out of loyalty and because he'd already saved the one of them, managed to somehow reach out and grab him before he also went floating off into space.

What does this mean?

Maybe nothing...making it is symbolic of something rattling around deep inside my head...or perhaps something else. A connection to the collective, psychic conscious.

So this morning on my way into work I'm listening to WNYC's Radio Lab podcast via the Stitcher app when a story comes on about astronauts on the brink of death, floating away in space who somehow manage to save each other.

Coincidence?

I'm German, I believe

I seemed to have a running stream of dreams last night but the one thing I remember is a part where I was walking down what seemed to be an old, cobble stone street and speaking with a woman who asked me about my genetic makeup/where my ancestors are from. I told her my mom's family is from Denmark and some from the British Isles. She said something like "oh, I would have thought German" to which I seemed to be excited to tell her that my Dad's family is German, my last name is German. I then told her my grandparents were from Germany. This is actually not true. All the rest of it is, but this part is not true. Why did I say this or think this in my dream? As I said it I even seemed to have a false memory of them being from Germany.

Das strange, ya?

Snakes in a Dream, continued...

Had a dream that there were all these poisonous rattle snakes that kept coming out of hiding and slithering on the ground all around me...but this time I was able to either step on their heads and crush them or take a stick and crush their heads with it. Any snake that came I crushed it and this ooze would come out of their heads as I killed them all.

I believe this means I'm concurring my fears.

Another interpretation is that I will have victory over my enemies!

Many of the interpretations I looked up involving my recent snake dreams seemed to be rooted in religion and prophecy. For instance, one interpretation was about John's prophecy of the seed of woman crushing the head of the snake as well as in Genesis, the decree from God that the serpent bites the heel of man and the woman's seed will crush it under their feet; meaning overcoming the powers of evil.

I don't think that had anything to do with my dream, but the dream symbol of a snake seems to be a powerful one, straight from the subconscious mind, meant to get our attention.

King Cobra on the Island

I woke up from a dream about hiking higher and coming to a difficult part. Everyone else either seemed able to get over it or found the easy way. I needed a helping hand to get over a scary, rough part that was too big to climb alone...and right after someone held out their hand to me and put me in the lead in front of the other hikers I reached out my hand to feel the next step out on the ground above (the trail was that steep) only to stumble upon 1. an armadillo/lizard of some sort that was deemed harmless. It walked right off and all was fine... and then 2. when I reached out again I laid my hand on a giant king cobra! It was practically hidden because it was the same color as the earth and rocks it slithered on. But there it was and I had laid my hand on it and caught its attention. I knew if I sank back down the path I could maybe get it to forget about me and slither on but I wasn't sure if it would move on or not. Then I woke up.

I looked up snakes and king cobras because these are not things I regularly dream about. Apparently there is something in my life that I am not paying attention to and really need to and this is my subconscious trying to get my attention. I am pretty sure I know what it is and just simply need to deal with it.

So here I am with this giant, hidden cobra and I'm not sure if it is going to strike.

Snakes, spiders and other creeeeepy crawlies

Last night I had a nightmare. An unusual occurrence for me. I was in SF (I'm in LA right now) and I was on this land marsh...there was some sort of building on it like an apt where I think I lived. There were all these people looking for jobs and some got some...I was waiting and frustrated and then I went out to sea...and then I became the observer of the dream for a while where there was this sea scientist girl who was offered an amazing job for her sea science expertise. It was this great opportunity...and then I became the girl and it all seemed good but I was nervous about it and then this other girl who was supposed to be my roommate threw these tiny snakes and spiders on me. Really scary dream. I couldn't get them off of me. They were writhing and sticking onto me. I got the big black spider off and tried to brush off all the snakes before they got me and bit me. I think if I stayed asleep they would bite me and poison me with their venom...but then I woke up terrified!

The Town

Had a dream last night that I was at a street fair and there was a movie advertised on a telephone poll for the very first Sesame Street episode ever. It had a pic of a little boy in a business suit, trying to chew a frying pan. The caption under the poster for the movie asked if people thought this was the real episode or a fake 90's remake...

Also, in the town I was in that posted about the movie there was this family reunion or wedding or something going on that I was there for...only it wasn't my real family but some Victorian type family. The odd thing is that if you left the dream you wouldn't exist to them anymore. They thought of it as dying. Other people had left and they no longer remembered them. I told one person that I would remember them. I was already starting to wake up and it seemed I was sort of fading as well.

Earthquaker

Had a dream the other night that I was in a hotel or place to stay/convention. Something like that. With a group of people. So we are all sitting around and mingling and talking when there's an earthquake. No one seemed aware of the earthquake. I warned them and they were saved. So in my dream I saved everyone by warning them. Also, there was this giant pillar on the edge of the building we were in (we were a few floors up and the floor we were on was exposed, no windows, but held up by giant pillars) and I knew if we stuck to the giant pillar that we'd be saved.

Interpretations?

The End of Days Paradox

This is not a dream...but I don't have another place to write this all out.

I've been thinking lately about the Book of Revelations and the "end of days". Here's the paradox: In the beginning of the world, when Adam and Eve are kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they realize this is a good thing because if they didn't know the bitter they'd never have known the sweet. The story goes that if they had never known misery and pain they'd never know joy...so after the fall and they are cast out and the world is as it is in this our current state, they discover joy (for the Mormons, see 2 Nephi 2:25). But then in Revelations, chapter 21 God says he'll wipe away all tears and there won't be anymore sorrow or pain...and it suggests we'll all follow God in this new heaven and new earth and there will be no more sin. Happy days, right? Except...um, we just learned that in order to have happiness/joy, you have to know sadness and pain...

My question is this...in this "end of days/Revelations" scenario, will we no longer have joy? How can there be happiness if there is no more pain and suffering? Surely we cannot rid ourselves of pain, of sorrow unless we also rid ourselves of happiness.

Is this Bible verse a lie? Which is it? No more pain, tears...or yes still pain and tears? We know God has emotions, God weeps, so how can there be no more tears? It seems a paradox.

Either we really will not cry or feel any more pain and thus not experience true joy either (total bummer). Or this part of Revelations was a nice idea generated to placate those who now suffer and wish it to end and would like some rest from it all. Which would make the 21st chapter of Revelations a lie.

In Buddhism, life is suffering. There is no end to suffering. Their goal is to reach a point where their soul doesn't reincarnate, a state where you basically don't exist anymore (Nirvana) and thus cannot experience anymore pain and suffering (which is what you get if you exist).

To me, personally, that sounds terrifying. I'd take the pain and suffering, along with the joy over erasing myself out of existence.

This verse in Revelations is basically saying "when Jesus comes again all your suffering will stop and you won't cry and everything will be perfect!"...but then it doesn't seem to get/acknowledge the yin to the yang, that with suffering also comes joy.

Personally, no offense to Buddhist ideals or Revelations 21, but I want to exist. I want to be able to cry and to feel and to live, knowing I have the ability to know the difference.

Sex Dreams

Everybody has them...and they don't necessarily have anything to do with sex, actually.

Warning: this post may mention some sexually explicit activity. So cover your eyes, stop reading, or keep reading. Whatevs. You've been warned.

Sex is a powerful human drive that can have various meanings in dreams. Freud thought everything was about sex. Jung disagreed and thought even sex could be about something else; perhaps our human search for meaning? It could also be a way for your subconscious mind to get your attention. And boy does it!

So here's where you stop reading if you get offended by sex...Let me tell you about my dream last night. I had a dream about a guy friend who kept going on and on and on about how his fiance just loved to give him blow jobs. He was sitting at the edge of his bed, pants down (and neked and erect) and just wouldn't shut up about it. And he kept getting closer and closer to my face like I was going to do something. The whole time I was like "uh, dude, why are you telling me this?" Also, I was like "uh, pull your pants up!" It was disturbing. I didn't know why this was happening. He seemed to be fine, everything normal, but I felt like I was being pushed to do something I did not want to do or hear or participate in that had nothing to do with me.

So what does this mean? It was definitely an attention getter. It could mean I perceived that my friend was being too open with me...though we haven't talked in a while and definitely nothing deep. It could mean I somehow subconsciously feel I'm invading someone else privacy. It could also reflect my current life. I may feel I'm being pushed to do things I don't want to do that I don't think are appropriate. Sometimes in writing this stuff out on here I have these "aha moments" and know I'm getting closer to what my mind is working out with me.

The whole sex symbology in dreams is quite fascinating. It puts people off, it grabs attention, it's highly embarrassing/taboo to discuss. Yet there it is, and everyone in the entire world has had a dream or two like this.

Robot Mom for President

I think LA has affected me. I dreamed I created a movie where a mom/scientist invented a robot to help her get all the things done that she could not possibly do while running for president, but the robot ended up being a better, thinner, more energetic version of herself and ended up going rogue and then running against her...but it lacked emotion and realness (which, of course, the people wanted in their candidate) so the mom won because even though she couldn't get it all done and bake cookies after she was real. In my dream I named it "Robot Mom for President". The funny/weird thing is this could be a real movie. It could be on the women's network and it would resonate with the mom demographic because the belief these days is that women still "can't have it all" (thanks, Atlantic article). The movie would admit we can't do it all, but we can have it all by just being okay with ourselves.

The future

Last night I had a dream about my future daughter. Her name was April. She had short brown hair in a bob. She was maybe 6 or 7 and smart and adorable. I loved her! She looked like me! Inner child or real future daughter? I don't know. I just turned 34 (yesterday) and I know I need to have children soon. I'm not married. I think about this a lot. Now is the time to do this sort of thing if I'm going to eliminate risk. I really hope this was a future type dream. She was someone I really want in my life.

Disappearing Dreams

I tried really hard to remember my dreams when I awoke this morning but they almost immediately began washing away. I remember thinking 'I've got to retain this' and could feel it slipping into the black recesses the more awake I became. In other news, I'm in LA.

Wild

Last night was quite vivid...and wild!...I think I came close to becoming lucid. I had this dream that is too detailed to put everything in there but my older brother was explaining something about eggs and mammals that made no sense to me and then then the birds turned into cloth hot pads and were squawking about and defending me from rogue attacks from what appeared to be hats...and then turned into other pieces of clothing. There was a person there who was asking questions to people around me. I didn't want him asking so I ignored him.

This was not a dream...I think

A few days ago I became ill with a high fever. I took a nap on the couch for the space of maybe 2 hours. During the nap I could have sworn I heard people's voices talking about me. It seemed they were maybe 5 feet away from me and facing my body and saying "She'll need some extra care and attention at this time". I thought it was my roommates talking about me (who else would it be?). But then I asked them if either of them were home that afternoon. The one said she was gone all day since before I even took the nap and just had returned late that evening. The other one had left in the morning for a weekend with her boyfriend who was visiting from out of town. So no one was home. Delirium? A dream? Ghosts?

I had a dream and Steve Wozniak was in it

He told me to call this guy up and demand a job and a 100k salary...or whatever salary I wanted. We were inventing stuff. True to life? Well...lemme test and get back to you :)

Bruises...San Francisco...Universal Healthcare

Last night I dreamed my ex bf gave me bruises all over my shoulders. I complained and in the dream he told me it was no big deal.

I looked up the meaning. There were a variety of interpretations on this one. About half seemed to think this was a dream that meant some sort of emotional trauma I'm still dealing with. That may be true...

In other news - I went (IRL) to the famous Haight Street Free Clinic yesterday. SF has had universal healthcare for all since the 60's. It runs on volunteers and was set up by a kind doctor who was worried about all the flower children not getting proper medical attention during the Summer of Love. It's been going ever since but has changed a bit over the decades.

It used to be you just walk in and then they see you. Now you have to sign up for Healthy SF. It's San Francisco's great secret that they've provided medical help for everyone all along and it works. You sign up and if you have no money or are under a certain threshold you get it for free. If you need certain medications they will also cover that for free under the program. Since I'm funemployed at the moment I totally qualify (hurray!). All you do is tell them what is going on with you and why you need to see a doctor (for me it was an OBGYN check up). I just signed some papers with emergency contact info, they gave me a green plastic card for drugs (the medical kind), and then ushered me in to see the doc. That was that.

I'll let you draw your own political conclusions about this but as for me, I'm very grateful something like this exists for the people.

This is a picture of the clinic from far away. It's just around the corner from my house.

And these are some hippie kids from a long time ago that were waiting at the free clinic for their universal healthcare.

Kissing Missionaries and California Dreamin'

I realized I was awake just now and immediately thought to hold on to and remember what I had just been dreaming before it sinks back into the dark. Here's last night's dream:

I was in a newsroom, working as a reporter and it was in a hotel. A large building. The head producer kept barking orders about social media and I kept trying to say what should be happening since that's my wheelhouse but everyone kept chiming in and I was frustrated since none of them knew what they were doing and I actually had a lot of experience in this. Then I was going on a trip to California from Utah and my mom didn't want me using her minivan to drive the whole way cuz she was afraid it would be too many miles on the car. I said not to worry and that I was only driving to my friend's house in Sandy...but really I was planning on driving all the way to California and knew I'd be fine. I was in my family house with my mom, dad, older brother and some other people when this girl comes walking down the street claiming to be a missionary for the LDS Church. I don't see the common name tag identifier or a companion with her so I'm skeptical (though she is dressed in church clothes and a long dress coat and no makeup, hair pulled back in a pony so she looks like a missionary in some ways). I ask her where her companion is and she shrugs it off and says she doesn't need to be with her all the time cuz she knows the spirit of the law and she's cool like that. My brother tests her by grabbing her and planting a kiss on her mouth. I see her face register that maybe she shouldn't be playing "cool like that" and should go actually do the things she signed up to do as a missionary. So then I start readying myself for the journey and packing and somehow the whole social media thing is happening in my house and I'm like I gotta go cuz they are not listening and don't know what they are doing. Then I wake up...

This dream I'm going to chalk up as working things out in my head/brain chemistry. Maybe it is significant and means something and I'll find out later but I really think I'm just working things out. There are a lot of times in my profession where the people in charge don't really get what it is I do and I try to explain how it works and how it has successfully worked for me, list the stats and research but they may not want things to be the way they really are, have their own ideas, don't understand a fully executed plan, etc. and don't listen. It happens. Also I think the dream is a reflection of me working stuff out about church. I read this article in The New Republic last night before bed about this ex-Mormon guy and how he lost his faith but still loves the way the members have helped him when times were tough.

Faded Factory Dream or Dolla Dolla Bill Y'all

I have to jot down the pieces I remember about this dream before it fades...I was coming out of some building. The building was housing a job and I showed people some sort of entertainment or advertising?? Anyway I was teaching people things for my job but for the most part no one really noticed me. So I walk out of this building and it's kinda like an old shopping mall and then I'm in the city and everyone has to go through this line and they are assembling stuff to give to the poor but somehow it's this great business model and they are taking part of what people give them and repurposing it and making a profit. Everything goes through this conveyor belt. The workers are low class, not well educated. The foreman tells me how lucrative a business this factory thing is. The ladies doing all the sorting agree and tell me I really should get in on it cuz they are making so much money right now. Then I wake up...We'll see what this means.

Just 90 more minutes...

I've been trying out this 90 minutes sleep thing lately. You figure out when you need to wake up and then calculate backwards in 90 minute increments. Why 90 minutes? This is the amount of time calculated for all humans to slip in and out of REM. The research, according to this guy, is that the reason we need sleep is not so much about resting your body as it is about allowing your mind to enter REM. We apparently need that creative download in life to function. Yes, oddly, we need to let our minds escape reality in order to cope and function within it in our waking life.

So I tried out the little experiment last night, allowing myself 4.5 hours of sleep (to wake up at 7:30). Not as much sleep as I'm accustomed to, but it actually worked. I was awake and ready to get up...then I looked at my alarm and determined there is no reason to get up at 7:30 am when I don't even have to move my car till 9...so back to sleep I went. It was really hard to get myself up at 8:30 to get ready and move my car. Much harder than waking up at 7:30. So I let myself sleep in for "10 more minutes". This turned into sleeping in till 9...and luckily when I went to get my car I did not have a ticket (hurray).

The other thing about this experiment is that I spent so much time thinking and calculating it out this morning that I didn't retain my dream. All I remember is that it was some sort of a journey in a three part series...

How not to talk to someone about a break up...and also why sometimes our dreams lack a plot (a working theory)

I didn't sleep much last night. Not for lack of trying. It was mostly a series of vivid images and lots of waking in between.

I have been wondering lately if the way other people think (their thought waves/energy/aura/soul) can seep into your mind and affect your dreams.

Anyway it was a series of images (instead of the usual story line) and lots of waking in between and thinking and hurting about the break up. Everyone has an opinion for me about the split. People with the loudest opinions seem to be perpetually single, though, so I don't know why they feel so comfortable with all this armchair philosophy when all I really need is a sympathetic ear and a hug...I'm allowed to hurt and cry and grieve and miss someone.

Side note about the rabbit dream and the boy in it who wasn't interested in me btw...that turns out to be a bit of a psychic premonition. I tried to go on a date on Friday morning (we met for coffee) to just keep myself busy. The guy was so checked out and he didn't even know it. He was really not into me. Hard to believe, I know. Also, I think I pushed myself to go on the date to get over my ex bf but really I don't want to do that at all. I just want to cry and I want a hug and I want people to see things the way I see them and want me forever.

And possibly I shouldn't be going on dates right now anyway when I know I'm not actually feeling like it.

Love is a miracle. I'm really sad. And I didn't sleep much.

Rock star in an experiment

Last night I dreamed I was a singer in a rock band but also that I had somehow been captured in this experiment where we were being told we were not good just to see how we'd react. We thought it was real life but then I discovered it was a controlled environment. I realized I needed to escape but it was impossible without them knowing it. I couldn't let them know I knew. You could also become one of them if you showed them merit. Then they turned the tables to become more friendly so that you'd tell them your innermost thoughts. They wanted to see what you really thought. I had to be careful bc I knew what they were about. I told them I was sad and they asked if I wanted it all to be over and to go back to my normal life outside the experiment. I was about to say yes but it was revealed to me that they don't ever let you go, they erase you instead. So I said I was fine continuing on. I knew I somehow had to make them think I was doing well so I could eventually escape. Then I woke up.

Rabbit sex in cabins at night

Weird dream last night. It had to do with rabbits getting it on and a tiny log cabin...and dancing. I was in a family. I was one of the kids. There was another family with a boy my age. I can't remember his situation but he seemed uninterested. Then there were all these rabbits everywhere. Soft, plump and adorable rabbits. Different colored ones with soft, floppy ears and they were friendly. They'd come right up to you. But they also were having a lot of sex with each other and you had to push them apart before they made more rabbits. There was a log cabin and I think we were making food, like dinner in there for some occasion like a neighborhood party or something and there was this couple there that seemed familiar but I couldn't quite tell who they were. The girl was inside and then we had some sort of conversation and the guy was returning from some trip...and he also might have been the boy my age? It's all a bit foggy bc I didn't write this dream down immediately upon waking. There was something about a sink and water jugs. Oh, and someone might have gone missing. I think we were putting together a search party and that was what the food was for. Also a friend of mine from high school was in the dream and we had a conversation about dancing but I don't remember what about it. We'll see later if this dream turns into something or means something. The rabbits seemed prominent so I'll have to think about what they represent.

Dreams are a psychic passageway

That nightmare I had, the one where my boyfriend died, was symbolic of our relationship, apparently. Love hurts sometimes. It really does.

Nightmare, pigs, the dead and dark malls

Last night I had this really terrible nightmare. I was trapped inside a cult that was trying to make us Nazis and I dreamed my boyfriend died and there were these giant warthogs with different, wild colors and huge teeth that were sniffing me. I woke up terrified!

I should mention I found a secret passage way to escape the cult in the building I was in. I couldn't let anyone else know but there was a back vent and I had to wait patiently till they (cult leaders who were hold all of us hostage) weren't looking. Also there were these black people and one of the men died right in front of us. He was shot or had a heart attack. I remember saying it was weird to see someone who was animated not have any life in them anymore.

Mixed in with the nightmares was another dream where I was in the old Crossroads Mall in SLC and it was abandoned (bc there's now a new mall). The mall was open but all the lights were off and the stores were possibly closed but you couldn't tell unless you opened their doors and the lights might be on and they might actually have been open. I went up this really high elevator and into this pitch blackness. Everything was dark in the upper levels.

Very odd dreams.

I've read that nightmares are a way for your subconscious mind to try and get your attention if you are not paying attention to something...not sure what I'm not paying attention to though...

When you are only watching it like TV

Have you ever had a dream where you were just the observer but also somehow the person being observed? Last night I dreamed about a girl who was in this school/jail cell. I think I was just following along with her story but I'm not sure...Maybe I was her? I couldn't actually tell.

Anyway, somehow in the dream I also left that scenario and I was in "Dallas" the soapy TV show and the show was real life and it was taking place in a Costco. I had stuff to find and buy and using my magical powers I was locating the items in the store (or at least getting their approximate location in the store) through the energy I felt with my powers. Also somehow there were people running into water bc the edge of the ocean was at one part of the store (the store was quite large...it was Costco).

Gems, geodes and dressers stuffed to the brim

Last night I dreamed I bought a really big house, a mansion. It was old and stately with gorgeous details. I bought it all, as is. Everything the previous owners left in it now belonged to me. As I wandered through the house I discovered all these rocks and gems everywhere. Some of the rocks had been fantastically fused together geodes and natural stones and rocks, lots of mixed natural gems all clustered and intertwined with each other, turquoise and there was this dresser/secretary full of these orange rocks and gems, just full of them.

In the dream I went down to the front room and spoke with the keeper of the estate and with my family and also my bf's mom was there (she is actually a gemologist). I told them all that I had found and I asked his mom if she would help me identify what all the gems were and she said she would. The keeper of the estate affirmed that everything in the house was now mine and that whatever was in the house when I bought it I owned. I went exploring more and found a dresser stuck in between some walls and a fireplace. I thought to pull it out (as it was out of place) but thought to just leave it there as is because the previous owners obviously had put it there for a reason and I didn't want to mess anything up. I reasoned I would come back to it and work on that part of the house later.

The rooms upstairs were grand and big and sunny. They had old wood floors and the sun gleamed in through the windows.

My bf's mom then challenged me to create some art. It was a competition between me and a child that she thought would be the better artist. I surprised her because I turned out to be a really good artist, or at least better than she expected. I remember her admiring my work, the sculptures I made and the way I painted them and gave everything dimension. I explained that my art was just different than the child's and so it stood out more.

I will really have to think about the meaning of all of this. I would say usually children represent your inner child but I know this one was not my inner child but a rep of something else...possibly my bf? Possibly someone I believe she sees better suited than me for her son? (I've had a feeling she may not think I'm good enough bc I'm not Jewish, but that may just be me thinking that and not her true feelings). The gems are a good omen, as is the grand house and all the nice things in it. Treasures. I'll have to think of the dresser stuck in the wall between two rooms. Most likely it is an aspect of myself or a problem I don't want to solve just right now.

If you believe yourself to be an intuitive/have a gift for dream interpretation I welcome your thoughts.

Alaska

Last night I had a dream I'd signed up for a job in Alaska and there were all these boxes of deliveries in the back room (mirrors, brushes, curlers, porcelain, totally random home stuff). Somehow Chinese people were scavenging the stuff and selling it off on eBay, etc. It was kind of in my house but up for grabs. So I look at my boyfriend and I say "babe, we could totally do the same thing as them and make good money". And somehow in the middle of all this the plastic came off the back window (it was there for heating insulation). My boyfriend kept trying to fix it and I realized it was totally ruined and wouldn't be fixed so I said to forget about it, it couldn't be fixed and to just leave it and it would be fine. It was fine. There were also jets in and out of the place we were in and people coming and going to this place for work...but it was fast becoming deserted because the company or the island or whatever we were on was heading into the off season.

Challenge #1

I have had two mornings now where I woke up and did not write down or think about my dreams. I dreamed, but can't remember them. On a side note, if you are interested in taking a lucid dream challenge with me, let me know: The Lucid Dream Information Technique

The unlikely but terrifying scenario your boyfriend tells you he's in love with someone else...

Last night I dreamed my boyfriend told me he'd fallen in love with someone else and he wasn't sure what to do because this girl already had a kid. I was pissed! He tells me in the dream while holding me in bed that he's in love with someone not me and that someone has a kid! IRL he does not want kids for the next few years. This is a sore spot with us bc I do. So we stay together but discuss it every so often. It's a very unlikely scenario he would a)fall in love with someone not me while we are together b)fall in love with someone with a kid already. Not sure what to make of this. I just remember feeling really hurt by it.

I Spy a Spider

Last night's dream had a lot to do with spiders...and the wilderness. I was with some guys. One I knew in high school but never really talked to in real life. I remember thinking this is the most I'd ever heard this kid talk. We were all in RV's (which might have been influenced by a video I saw just before bed about the tiny house movement) and we were in the desert. There was some sort of a meeting we had to get to or something we had to do. I had to set the dates with someone but when I realized when the dates were it was actually past those dates. Then somehow I was on the beach and there were kids and some parents and then I was in a room with one of the girls and there were all these spiders on the wall. Big, fat spiders...that she had decorated with jewels...and the toupees of her mother's lovers. I remember explaining to someone who asked me "why the toupees?" that her mother's lovers were "very rich but also very old". There was this little live spider, black, that was crawling all over the floor and I couldn't get it for a while. I kept trying and trying but it was quick. Then, with a help of this guy (maybe one of the original guys from before? or one of the mom's kids?) we smashed the spider and I could move on to story telling time.

Took an antihistamine, which caused me to be drowsy, which set on an afternoon nap...which gave me a strange dream.

I was in Utah, driving to Harmons grocery store in the Brickyard area (which is a very nice and pleasant local grocery store there). It had been totally renovated and there was this very long and high up elevator that I had to get on to park the car and go into the store. So I attempted to go up the elevator but had trouble with coordination. IRL I actually think about this, about coordinating getting on and off and timing it with people who may not be paying attention. So I finally get on and it takes me up to the building but the building has a note on it with an email for my contact there. I only remember part of it anemae.?.com. I can't remember the ? part but I do remember the first part, anemae because I had to email or contact this person using it but had to check several times because when I got to email this person I couldn't remember how to spell it and had to go up the elevator to check again. Every time I checked I would see people from this PR firm working on projects. I never made it inside the grocery store.

I think the store symbolizes bounty and the high up elevator represents the esteem I give the circumstances. The driving is my life. The PR people an interview I'm about to go on. The contact email I'm not sure about. I googled it and got nada. Wish I could remember the rest of it.

The Others

I tossed and turned last night. There are rumors the house I live in is haunted and I'm inclined, based on quite a few occurrences, to believe. We have had reports of a little girl walking through the house and laughing. We hear footsteps upstairs when no one is there or what sounds like knocks on the walls. One time my alarm went off and it wasn't plugged in. Things like this maybe have an explanation but maybe the house really does have visitors. Anyway, it's stuff that keeps me up at night.

I had this dream last night with everyone I have ever had bad feelings for or who had ever been mean to me. They were all there and I had to deal with them. They were still mean but I was acting as if it didn't bother me. Then I woke up around 3 a.m. and thought about ghosts, turned on my phone as a sort of protective night light, prayed all sorts of prayers of protection and went back to bed.

The Apocalypse is at hand!

Last night I dreamed of a major apocalyptic travesty taking place. Everyone was huddled up in their homes and living on food storage. I was at my old house with people but I don't remember who...maybe my boyfriend was there...I was finding friends and I ran into my friend Smitty (who is a long time friend and former roommate in real life. Smitty is not his real name, btw).

Smitty told me he was being awarded an MBA by the leadership in Utah. I remember being pissed because he had only gone to community college and I felt he didn't deserve the award and was somehow tricking them into thinking he'd done more. He then proceeded to take me to his family to introduce me but I reminded him I'd already met his family. He seemed surprised and I had to remind him when I had met them before. There were some tall buildings that we went to and we were on a floor that was high up. So we see his family, particularly his parents, but it wasn't his parents he actually has in real life.

My former boss at the Senate was also in this dream (I think he represents survival skills bc he's a former desert survival guide for teens).

I still don't know all the meanings in all these dreams. I just have to write them so I'll remember them better. I do know, however, that Smitty is a representation of a former friend who actually dated him. She did something quite rude to me in real life and I have been very mad at her. I may feel she doesn't deserve a lot of things and that she is not honest...and somewhere in there is my personal vision and connection to Utah in some apocalyptic vision (a change in my life and not being in Utah anymore).

Little white houses in a small town

This one is a couple days out so not as detailed but the thing I remember most is I was in a small town with a bunch of little houses and I was in a house. The houses were white. My roommate was there, the one away in Canada right now and she gave me some advice but I don't remember it.

This is why I must write this shit out when I wake up.

I was a little scared to try lucid dreaming. Not sure how restful it is...but I do want to try it. Carlos Casteneda writes that you have to tell yourself to see your hands when you dream. To say this right before bed. Then, when you see your hands you will know you are dreaming and you can become lucid.

They say it is hard to maintain it, but then there are reports of people who do it all the time, who are used to it. These people can control their dreams or ask questions to the characters and get answers...or ask a higher conscious the meaning of the dream. Some say they even enter other people's dreams or can share a dream with loved ones across distances and that both people will describe being in the same dream, but from their perspective.

Robert Waggoner, one of the foremost authorities on lucid dreaming, has had over 1000 recorded lucid dreams. He says one time he asked a character if he realized he was a character in his dream and the character replied, "How do you know you are not a character in my dream?".

The world is full of wonders to me. Sometimes I feel like this, too, is just a dream of our own making. We are in a very real dream.

Dress shop and apartment dream - adventures in dreaming numero uno

I want to make this more of a dream journal. I'm getting more into lucid dreaming. The key is to recall your dream as soon as you wake up and to also learn to recognize, or become aware you are dreaming while in the dream. Here's my dream last night: I was in a bar with a friend in real life that represents hedonism and relaxation. There were other guys working at the bar and an older guy. Somehow through me the one guy manager in charge realized they owned more property across the street than they had thought. It was his property. He had apartment condos above the ones he owned so they were his. I thought because I discovered them and he didn't know he had them that he'd give a part of it to me. Instead he tried to charge me to live there. I negotiated with him and he agreed to let me live there for 3% a month, nothing down (whatever that means). The other guys and the owner and myself all knew that was not a good deal for me and not fair but it was cheaper and closer than where I was before. What was a big place ended up being a one-bedroom tiny apartment. Finally after the other people talked with him he allowed me to live rent free until he sold the units. This made me feel unstable about the whole deal. I could move in but there was no understanding of when the units would be sold, if I would get one for free and all that. But I started deciding where things would go and moved in. I remember particularly deciding where my paintings would go. Then for work I got a job in a clothing store down the street. A woman whom I knew at NPR when I used to work there came in and asked me what accountant level the guy was. I was confused and told her I didn't know there were levels. She asked if I worked for the White House. I laughed and the shop owner lady said I worked there at the dress shop and I confirmed that. There was another dress shop across the street. Someone (I think my mom or possibly someone else) was watering the lawn in front of the shop and the apartment and then proceeded to water it across the street at "the girls" shop. But someone said not to bc they weren't taking care of it anyway and just thought grass grew without tending it. Then I got in an old white truck and drove it backwards through San Francisco neighborhood back to where I live in real life. I remember finding it tricky to drive backwards but that was the only way I could drive it. There turned out to be plenty of parking (which in real life is actually difficult to find in SF). Somehow my roommate was there and her hair was disheveled and she looked sleepy but said she would go on a walk or go with me somewhere. I remember seeing a giant show store that was round down Divisadero and toward the Castro. It said Shoes Shoes Shoes. I remember I wanted to go check it out and shop for shoes there as soon as I parked the car. Then I woke up.

The beginning of the end?

Dear Blogger blog, sorry I've neglected you. Tots sure no one (maybe two people?) still read this here Human Project anymore anyhow. I started you way back in the nascent days of blogging, circa 2002. Now where do I jot down all my thoughts on life, boys and human projectedness? Oh, everywhere else....Facebook, Twitter (Hootsuite, actually), Tumblr, Pinterest, SocialMediaToday, Bubbl.ici.ous, Google+, Examiner, Path, Foursquare...depending on the mood, what points I get, where peeps are at, the relevance to those peeps in those places, etc. But you were the beginning. Hope this isn't the end. I just post too many other places where I have a lot more readers. That and this here is all personal, after all. I can't exactly post about boys (I have a nice boyfriend now, fyi. Those don't tend to make amazeballs posts for lack of drama), this isn't a mom blog, I'm not a crafty mo or recipe diva (also, not really good at following through on the crafty part..or baking stuff :/). So here you are, all personal and me. But I started with you...so I hope to keep you, even if I really don't post here much anymore.

Pinterest for Dudes

I'm obsessed with pinning...as many lady folk seem to be these days. It wasn't intentional though. I just sorta checked it out and now I really get why Pinterest is so useful. But the men folk who go there get turned off by all the glitter nails and cupcakes so I made a video - Pinterest for Dudes.

Dudes, you too can harness the power of the pin and have a fine time doing it. Check it:

So it turns out I can relate to the Mormon gays

It's been a while since my last post but I just had to share this video from BYU's "It Gets Better" edition. There are things on here I never really thought about and that really touched me as I watched it. If you haven't seen it I encourage you to now:

In some ways I can relate. When I left the church after going through the temple I really did not want to tell my parents. I felt this heavy burden of keeping it from them so I wouldn't upset them or make them sad. How could I confess that I did not want to be a part of the church because of my questions about changes in doctrine, the sanitization and PR changes to church history, obvious historical faux pas (blacks and the priesthood, trading polygamy for statehood, women no longer able to heal the sick or perform laying on of hands) the confusing modern messages to both men and women that don't fit with modern times.

And now here is this video and this amazing openness and the safety in which gay BYU students feel comfortable confessing their same sex attraction. I didn't realize what gay Mormons must go through when all the other kids like the opposite gender and they like the same. I just didn't think about it until now. The part where the kid prays and tells God he's gay and asks if that is okay and then God makes him feel accepted for just the way he is as a gay man is something to think about. In a church that teaches that marriage is only between a man and a woman and where the family unit is sacred and gayness is not acceptable...how do you reconcile that if you both believe the doctrine AND find yourself to be gay AND find that God accepts that part of you? How can the church be true if God is okay with them living the gay lifestyle? How can one have such strong experiences within a church that teaches being gay (acting on being gay) is unacceptable and then have God tell them that they are acceptable? And don't feed me that bullshit about being gay but just not acting on it. That kid in the video got a confirmation from God that his lifestyle is okay, that everything about him is okay.

I have had some very strong experiences in the LDS church. Sacred experiences. These experiences used to make me believe it, all of it. How could I not? But there's so much to question. So many holes. I don't have an answer to any of it. I don't know where I stand or if I'm going to heaven. I just try to be a good person and hope God is okay with me, too.

Click "Like" If You Still Read This

Okay, you can't actually click "Like" here. But I am wondering about the relevance of blogging vs the now hipper micro blogging like Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. Does anyone ever actually read this blog anymore?

My Book of Influence 2011

There are a lot of books good for reading out in the world, but just a few have had an impact on me this year.

The one I would highly recommend to anyone (and one which could actually change the world for the better) is The Gentle Art of Blessing.

My paper copy is currently tucked away in a cold, dark storage unit in Salt Lake but man was it profound. I laughed, cried and healed through this book. It was written by a Swiss school administrator, Pierre Pradervand. He'd suffered a blow and was very bitter about his life circumstances, concentrating on hating those he felt had done him so much wrong when it clicked. Bless them that hate you and spitefully use you, and bless them that need you and bless those in trouble and those in need, in health and wealth and peace. Bless the world. Go about blessing and it is magical the things that will happen. It's a beautiful book and the one I recommend out of this year.

When It Gets Real

The bf and I just got back from something a bit scary. We went to Arizona over Christmas and introduced each other to our parents (gulp).

To understand this you have to understand the dynamics of my family and his family and the way we were both raised. Me: a pack of very serious, buttoned up Mormon engineers. Him: a hippy Jewish mother. And in his words, "How did you come from that family?" I love them because we are family and because they are honest and try to be good and gave me a stable environment and love me the best they can. But it's true that we are pretty much nothing alike. For like anything. Pretty much. They are very serious people.

So I introduce the boy and hope he doesn't think they are the real me. I love them but I say to him that I don't know how I came to be the me I am out of it either. Please can we get back to making me laugh so hard I cry?

So I have this new respect for J. Poor guy wasn't sure what to do sometimes or what was appropriate (no don't bring wine to dinner and Mormons don't drink coffee, yes you are allowed to hold my hand in front of the mom and dad, sorry my brother was probing you about your intentions, etc.). Possibly the most nerve racking part was right when we got to church (the nice Jewish boy agreed to go to the Mormon church for Christmas services with me my mom and dad) and my dad pulled him aside to explain the sacrament is only for members living the right way. I was mortified. I told him to take it anyway cuz that is just what people do and it's no big deal. So he did and I did and neither one of us burned in hell.

So now that he's met the family I find myself feeling much closer to him in a way I didn't expect. Most people who've met my parents are already up with the Mormon culture and kinda get it. J was just thrown in to an alien situation and weathered it well without knowing much beforehand (and so far has not headed for the the hills). But this presents a whole new issue for me. I find myself getting more attached...to J...which is very scary. I didn't realize I would like him when I first met him. I was just having fun and dating a lot of different people (and even now I must admit I have to remind myself I have a boyfriend and have had one for almost two months now). But he's met the family. I met his mom. She gave me some nice jewelry and was very sweet and I spent this time with him and I could see myself really liking him. And it scares me. A lot. He didn't like the last entry I made. I didn't discuss all that stuff with him before I wrote it so it was an awkward discussion the next morning. So I won't say much more here. Just that I'm starting to rely on him more and wanting to be with him more and feeling more attached...what am I doing in a relationship? But he's pretty amazing and makes me laugh a lot and really does seem to look out for my best interests in a way that is rare. I don't know how I got so lucky or why I'm still so scared. The difference is that I'm less scared of losing my identity and more scared I'll like him too much now.

Mitt Romney Walks Into a Gay Veteran...

Mitt Romney is also not ashamed to admit he is a Christian...the anti-gay rights rhetoric kind (but aren't they all? Le sigh). So it got a bit awkward when he casually approached what he hoped would be a supportive war hero this last weekend...

Romney spotted a man in uniform at a local restaurant in New Hampshire and bellowed out, "Vietnam veteran!". What he didn't know at the time was that the man, 63 year old Bob Garon, was having dinner with his husband. And then of course Garon had to ask the obvious "What's your views on marriage rights for gays?". It doesn't take a genius to know how this conversation was going to go. Sour. I kinda feel bad for the guy (Romney, not Garon - even though Garon and his partner were the ones disturbed at dinner). Romney doesn't have the personality or human understanding to handle this sort of surprise. He, like many of the GOP of his generation, simply stiffened and clearly wanted out of what could only be an awkward situation for him.

I wonder how Gingrich would have handled this. Probably worse (how does that guy seem to yell, scream, say insane things, run up serious debt, f-up his own party so badly, cheat on several women and still charm the pants off of everyone???). I also wonder how Michelle Bachman would have handled the same scenario. I wonder if Romney would have handled this differently if he had it to do over again? If he thought about it later...

But the most surprising thing for me is that his behavior is seen here as just one more shining moment for the GOP, not one where he is singled out as a Mormon. His party just can't seem to fully accept him for his faith, but he walks the same walk, talks the same talk and shells out the same rhetoric as the 99% of them. This could have been a moment for him to soften, to look this man in the eye and see his needs as a human, as a Christian should. And to listen. But it's just not in him, not just as a Mormon or a mainstream Christian, but as a white, male Republican.

CLOSER LOOK PHYSICS OF SANTA

CLOSER LOOK PHYSICS OF SANTA

Must I Don a Burka? - My Letter to Joanna Brooks

Miss Ask a Mormon Girl Joanna Brooks posted her thoughts yesterday on the BYU-Idaho skinny jeans controversy. She asked if this was "Sexism, sizeism or standards"? For those not in the loop, the BYU Testing Center is notorious for being more puritanical than temple standards. This latest gaffe started when a "curvier" girl walked in wearing skinny jeans. She was told to go home and change because her outfit was too tight. This reminded me of my own, personal encounter with BYU leadership and dress standards. So I messaged Brooks my experience. Here is the letter:

Hi Joanna,

Thank you for posting about this issue with BYU. I subscribe to your Facebook updates and wanted to message you privately. I used to work for BYU. I worked at Classical 89 as the morning newscaster there for a year. I left shortly after being told I was dressed too provocatively and a man I worked with had complained it was giving him impure thoughts. I cried. The HR gal told me she didn't even want to bring it up with me but she was being forced to by the "men" above her. The thing is I'm busty. I cover up but I'm busty. I was wearing garment covering clothing. I wore garments at the time. I was told it was my problem. [Must I don a burka?]

When I asked who this person was that had complained and was having "thoughts" I was told they weren't allowed to tell me. Talk about creating a hostile work environment.

So I left. I thought of suing. I thought of going to the papers. But at the time I was a faithful member and didn't want to cause problems for the church's image. I didn't want to stand out and risk being labeled something or further harassed.

Sarah

The problem is really a systemic belief among church leadership (all men) that women should be told what to do rather than having an understanding that men are in charge of their own behavior. It's appalling and insulting (to both men and women). And places women in a humiliating position where they have to apologies for having a body (that God gave them). I was young and vulnerable (26 at the time) and felt the hostility in the position I was in. I knew if I complained my career would be over, I would bring bad press to an organization I believed in and I was not in a winning position. No woman (or man), curvy or not should be subject to that sort of hostility in the workplace or otherwise.

We live in a place and time where women are afforded a great many more opportunities than they used to have. We can work side by side with men and hold leadership positions, even be CEO and have people take us seriously. Should we say thank you or it's about time? That's another debate...It is time we ask men with weak and wandering minds to take their heads out of the gutter and not discriminate against curvier women for existing. This skinny jeans incident is just another lamentable example of the "Church" asking women to feel bad about themselves.

This is your SJ on Twitter (infographic)

One part nerdist, another dash rock n' roll music:

What's love got to do with it?

I almost broke up with J last week. He took me to Napa where I kid you not, he spent over a grand on me. I was concerned and asked him if he could really afford all of it. He laughed. Apparently money is not an issue. But that is not why I almost broke up with the guy.

The thing is I have never been in this sort of a situation. He's good to me. Really, really good to me. He tells me I am beautiful. He carries stuff for me. He opens the door for me. He goes shopping with me. He even hooks me up with really influential people and takes me to nice places. And he makes good money. My last boyfriend? Well, if you've read this blog or have known me for the last five years you know he was pretty much the boyfriend from hell. And this is what blows my mind. I was in that relationship, obsessed with making that relationship work for four years! Yet I've done nothing but put up objections to this current relationship.

The fear is that I'm perpetuating this horrible stereotype men have about women liking jerks...So do I really just want a controlling jerk? I had to think about that. Really examine myself here. I concluded a couple things:

a) I know I jumped in way too fast and am afraid of getting totally absorbed into a relationship and losing my sense of independence like I did in my last relationship. I've expressed this part to J. He gets that and swears he's not pushing me into anything (although he kinda did a lot of convincing before we were official)

b) (and this is the hard part to admit to J) I'm not crazy about him. I'm not crazy-in-love.

I'm missing what I think should be there - that passionate butterfly connected think about you all the time feeling. I like him but I'm not crazy about him. And shouldn't I be with someone I'm crazy about?

I called my mom about this the other day. I called her up and asked her whether I should break up with him (she has already Facebook stalked J and decided he's got kind eyes and therefore must be wonderful). She tells me the butterfly crazy thing is a trick of nature and doesn't last and I should go for the good, steady bet. She married my dad on that. He is the good, steady bet. A man who would never cheat or lie or steal and they have a great marriage. But as she tells me this I sigh and wonder if she just settled.

what you need to know here, and it's a little shocking when I tell it, she wasn't actually in love with my dad when she married him. She married him because, and she readily tells me this, he could provide for a family and she could trust him. Isn't that lacking? Where's the passion, the thrill in that? And yet there they are with this rock of a marriage. And she tells me she grew to love him by sharing a life with him. She grew to be in love with him.

I don't know if this advice is good. If this is how it is for generations and generations. If it's better to choose the good and wait for the passion or to continue seeking until you hit what may be a mythical perfect fit.

There seems to me to be so much of life set up that way. You only get one life to live and learn from and it's tough to make those calls when you don't really know what you are doing or if anybody else really does either.

How to make Tuscaffalo

So I made an invention. Well, I made up a recipe. Well, actually I borrowed a recipe and made it my own. Well, okay, I pretty much followed the recipe but substituted buffalo instead of chicken and then added in some celery. The result? Delish!

I was at the grocery store. A real one. Finally. I've been poor. Really poor. Poorer than I've ever been before. So I went on a lot of dates. And boys bought me dinner. And also my roommate had a CSA and I joined in on that and sometimes there was community food. And sometimes people took me out to lunch and sometimes I kept my leftovers and ate a lot of the same thing. And somehow, for the past two months, I survived. And now I have a job and I'm less poor and I can actually grocery shop.

So the boyfriend has fed me a significant amount since we've been going out for the past...two weeks?. And I had some friends in town this weekend. And to say thank you to my boyfriend for being so generous I made dinner. I don't normally even cook. Not that I don't like to. I do like it. I just don't always get the opportunity. So this was nice. I made buffalo.

I made Tuscan buffalo stew to be more precise. It had fennel and tomatoes, spinach, white beans, red wine, onions and garlic and other good spices. It was hearty, delicious, lean and healthy and everyone wished there was more. So that is a recipe to keep. Also it was nice to feed people. It was nice to enjoy good friends on a cold, stormy night and eat warm food together and talk and drink the rest of the red wine. It was just very nice.

Also, my boyfriend is taking me on a trip to Napa for Thanksgiving. We are going wine tasting and then heading up to Calistoga after that for the spas. So that is also very nice. I should make him more food more often.

A few thoughts...

A few thoughts. I am tipsy...but not drunk enough to forget how to blog. Or write (mostly) full sentences. Thought #1 most commercials are stupid. sooooo stupid. Thought #2 I forget. I'm watching Hulu and waiting for my boyfriend to get here, damnit! Thought #3 most people don't truly live. They are afraid. Afraid of what other people think. Of what they actually think. Of how those thoughts will impact them. Thought #4 Suburgatory is a funny show. A show with a girl I wish I was in highschool but was not. TV makes things seem ifinitely cooler. Thought #5 Honestly feels better. I had a diet coke with a vodka and a little bit of wine. For dinner. It was a long day. Also, I looooove good wine. I have a truly nice, sweet boyfriend who cares about me who so far appears to like science fiction, creativity, yoga and sex. Those are some pretty good qualities, I'd say.

Running makes you fat

I haven't been running in...six weeks. So I finally went two mornings ago. Two miles later... Just two. And three days later...Still sore. Craaaaaaaap! Can't believe I'm already THAT outta shape! Also, I was waaaaay hungrier that day. It doesn't help that work provides really good snacks. Fattening foods. Trail mix. Cliff bars. Cheetos. Doritos. Protein bars (hint, those are actually NOT healthy, high in calories and full of sugar, too). They also provide fresh fruit but all that's left when I tend to wander in are pomegranates...but how the hell does one open those up without a knife? Or eat them at work without making a mess? Anyway I ate twice as many calories on Monday (morning I went running). More than the amount of calories burned, of that I'm sure. So while it felt good to hit the road again I question how this helps my waistline. Did I mention I've gained 8 lbs since living here? Help!

Dia de los Muertos

What is it with Mormons and reality TV shows?

That's all.

These boots are made for walking...or this cowgirl's got a new boyfriend

...Also some other random peeps from my Halloween bash.

In all seriousness though...

More about Occupy memes on my new tech blog "Oh My Tech"

Truly scary slash hi-larious!

Occupy Main Street - watch more funny videos

Getting into the spirit of the season - The United States of Scary Things

And also this is awesome:

Proof PC

Remember how I said my grandfather had a big something to do with the invention of the personal computer and IBM took it from him and didn't pay him or recognize him for it? All I had was word of mouth from other family members. And sure, my grandfather was a terrible man with a terrible secret (and it wasn't that one of his names was Amber). But he was also extremely gifted. Extremely intelligent. He still deserves that recognition for his contribution. Well, I found a source outside of family in Rulon T. Burton's biography where he mentions my grandfather explaining his invention to him back in 1948.

Here's the reference

It seems strange for me to do this. He was not a good man. He convinced lots of people he was good. He was not. And yet I feel he still deserves vindication, even beyond the grave.

So this is kind of totally amazing...

"Is that guy real or like a robot?" Kids react to dubstep :)

Q: What kind of music was playing in the video?

A: Alien music.

Q: What do you think a dubstep is?

A: I have no idea what a dub is. What's a dub?

A: It sounds like a name. Mr and Mrs Dub

Q: Can you imitate the music?

A: bloop boom boom bllllooooopppp!!!

I seen this today. And I liked it.

More, please

So I finally got around to visiting The Pirate Store at 826 Valencia, but it was closed. Sad face.

This place may be familiar to you if you've ever read or been to McSweeneys. It's this SF writing center made famous by author Dave Eggers (A Heart Breaking Work of Staggering Genius, What is the What, etc). It also, for some reason, houses a pirate store. Where you can buy pirate stuff. Like messages in bottles, etc. Really.

Well, one thing is for certain. Now that I know the hours, more visits shall be made. Eye patches, anyone?